I want a weekend…

I haven’t had one for about 3 weeks, and it’s just a tad bit annoying not being able to sleep in anymore due to the week-no-ends. My mom, on the other hand, thinks it’s a great way to get me into the habit of waking up early. Much to her disappointment, the continuous days of early rise and shine only leave any one free day to a complete sleep overdose where I am regularly seen, crazy hair and all, brushing my teeth at noon. Not a flattering scene, when you’re a college graduate, supposedly embarking on a more stable and calm life…But I, nevertheless, enjoy it….it’s very much different and yet very much the same to my life back in the Moho days…a complete control over the seemingly chaos that is my life.

I’ve also been eating the junkiest of food you can imagine…and very often so, but don’t take this as a complaint. I love that flexibility factor to my job, I basically munch on something every 2 hours…it’s just unfortunately true that those are not necessarily the best things to eat so irregularly. Like yesterday’s lunch for example, if you consider eating at 2:30 pm to be lunch (perhaps in Spain?), I had vermicelli with grilled pork, 2 ice creams, and a chocolate bar….and then at 4:00 pm , I had another bowl of cha’o trai (clam porridge, if you will) and a bowl of ta`o pho*’ (soy dessert). They’re not the healthiest of the bunch but they’re certainly mouth watering, and it’s the best part of working in Vietnam…there’s always full of culinary delights waiting for you at every corner, and I absolutely love it. It’s just this means i ought to think about finding a gym somewhere, or at least convince myself every morning to do at least 3 sit-ups…I’m always up for dance but am such a couch potato when it comes to actually exercising. I’m also getting sick and tired of rice…which supposedly would help me be healthier…but really every day, every meal? it’s becoming more and more to be just grains of complete blandness, even alongside more tasteful dishes. So much talk of eating, I have always leaned towards being a foodie…in fact, I’ll go act my part right now…Will take pictures of food soon!

Alive and well….split

Photo from my trip to Munich (April 2008)

Yes, I am indeed. My posts may be precariously written at odd hours such as these but they are the breadcrumbs on the trail leading towards my existence for those who care.

8 more days is it? and I’ll have been back here for a complete half a year, 6 months of what I had originally envision for 6 years to be quite daunting. I guess I really never thought about how living in such different places for long periods of time could so distinctively shape me or divide me? I wish to think that it’s an amalgamation of characters that defines who I am right now, you know, someone very much Vietnamese, attuned to the habits and traditions of the culture here, yet completely aware of balancing that  knowledge with the Western life and thoughts that I have unconsciously and very much, naturally adopted. But I can’t help to think that it’s not always that positive…balance is harder than I had imagined, and I only find myself wondering about a case of split identity. What about the moments where what I think I should be [ you know the "when in rome, do as the romans do" scenario] and what I have learned to be [the typical "follow your dreams" lessons], what happens when these two clashes….?  Now this happens to me on a daily basis, and may I just give the answer in 3 words – “I get stuck” . I would hope it to be something like “follow your intuition”…but intuition is my identity, my identity is split, which road do I then take?

 

 

Tired

I’m feeling like a ping pong in my head again, thoughts being bashed from one extremity to the other. I just want everything to go well but is it that I’m not making an effort, or is it just naturally the way that people inherently don’t get along, and try as you may, you’ll always be different? I’m sick and tired of having to make everything so obvious, can’t it just be possible for once to be upset and have someone know exactly how to appease you, especially when you trust on that someone to know very well. Can’t it just be easy for someone to be sensible enough to to know what’s right from wrong to do towards the other without it being pointed out? The silence is disappointment from a denial to all of the above…a push to always express when it’s not necessary to bluntly spit everything out. I have my moments of silence that make no sense, I admit, but can’t I rely on you for once to understand what I’m thinking without me telling you..?

Off for a moonwalk

  Courtesy of Mahiram

Many details throughout his life were sad, tragic and even at times, disappointing but few of us can deny his impact on the world. I can only say I was shocked. I mean I grew up owning all his earlier albums and dvds, rewinding and fastforwarding the Annie music video, my favorite, you know the part where he seemingly bends over, slowly defying the forces of gravity. It’s just upsetting that his more infamous side has been better known to us in the last decade (at least for me) and that many news sources are delving into all these other possibilities as to why he might have passed away. He’s already gone, commemorate him and let him rest in peace, leaving whatever he inscribed on each of us to us, rather than have it dissected on international news.

Of the heat and hijab-wearing – completely unrelated of course

Courtesy of The Observers

It is not an overstatement to say that I’m literally melting like ice-cream left out of the fridge for too long in the extreme heat that has taken over Hanoi. It has been 39, 40 degrees C aka 98, 99 F, no lie, for 4 days straight. Never have I wished so much for the wind to blow west, just so it can take Lao’s heatwave and spread it around Thailand rather than our already humidity-stricken eastern coast, no offense to the Thai people. My aunt went to Bangkok the other day and said you guys have it breezy and nice there, so you can understand my bitterness after a week of heat/humidity attack. It rained once yesterday bringing the temperature down to 34 C but it has shot up again today and is aiming once again for 40 C tomorrow…and it’s only June. I must say I never was a fan for warm climates, I complained daily every Massachusetts winter of my college days but this is still by far the more unbearable of the two.

Yesterday news-reading brought back memories of a project I did from first year…so long ago, and yet the hijab/burka controversy has been one to last decades in France. Don’t get me wrong, I love the country, the culture, and can’t wait to visit again but I can’t help but rethink the statement about France being xenophobic. France here perhaps being the administration in general, especially Mr.Sarkozy there creating some commission to invent a set of laws to prevent as much as possible the wearing of a hijab. He has gone so far as to say that wearing a hijab, I quote, “reduces the dignity of a Muslim woman”. I mean, seriously, what does a French white man of his status know about a Muslim woman’s “dignity”? because from interviews with these women, many have said to have their hijabs taken away would be the loss of dignity. Those who have chosen not to wear the hijab have their choice and have voiced their support for the freedom to choose. Is hijab-wearing truly religious or it is cultural? either one way or the other, shouldn’t one be able express one’s religion just in the way a Christian wears a cross or a Jewish wears a kippah and in the case of culture, shouldn’t it also be able to transcend borders as long as it’s not imposing? Why all this talk of a woman’s right coming out of male politicians instead of just saying outright how France’s history of State/Church separation hates this kind of free expression, how despite France’s highest Muslim population in Western Europe, France will still always be French. The ban on hijab-wearing in state schools is already enough, why continue to push it so far?

A J-O-what?

Courtesy of Cartoon Stock

I won’t begin, even though I have, to talk about my lack of commitment to “sprinkling petals” here because that would make this blog, one full of excuses rather than stories.

I’ve lost 2 pounds, about 2 reaching 3 shades darker taking into account the time I’m spending canoodling around on the back of a motorbike, age spots sprouting on one cheek to the next and what not. Note to self: spf 15 ain’t all that great. I reserve well all the scars I had and managed well to acquire none further since the last time I searched for words to pitter patter on this page. I’ve also had that long awaited moment of what Rousseau would call one of those rites of passage: purely in playback: 400 and something names later, D Tran, swift movement, the box of the hat sliding off, heels click one clack two on the stage, hands extending, Pres. Jojo’s mouth muttering “Congratulations”, hands retrieving, hands now grasping onto something new, eyes blurred out by photographers’ flash. And there is was, the ‘passage’ between Jojo and what seemed like finally “the light at the end of the tunnel”…No more slow-mo, it fast-forwarded from there….kabamm, look world! my 4 years of slow mo on this little piece of paper and I can’t even read it, but it’s great, cause here I come …no longer a college student.

For one whole hour, just before the rush of what felt like being ambushed out of the last 4 years of life, just before reality of goodbyes and see-you-soon-but-god-knows-when slapped me across my freshly graduated face, I lived in the fast-forward mode, unaware, still in the lime light in a sense, and completely oblivious to what awaited once the light no longer sparkled, the doors of the institution shut behind me, and my bare self before the coarseness of what is merely the real world.

And it is from that moment when the pain of truth hits, that I began to switch mode. My mind delving backwards, me living in the rewind mode. A purely cinematographic moment, you know in movies when at a wedding, a father has all these flashbacks of when his daughter was 2, 6, and so on or when a couple has troubles in a korean drama, and the guy has these flashbacks of their memories together, the first kiss and such….I had that kind of moment. The place too memorable, and the people too imprinting. It’s hard to say “god knows when”, maybe “i’ll know when” – “see you soon and I’ll know when” …soon. Lol, I promise.

And yes the title does have some significant meaning to it. I started my j-o-b 2 days ago. It’s trotting along well except the hours are kind of odd. We’ll see how it goes and I’ll be sure to update!

Miss yous!

A break from the valley

Photo courtesy of www.thegaycartoonsite.com

Talk about being cyber spaced out, despite my constant complaint about me not updating myself often enough in the last blog posts, I persist in my own laziness to witness myself delve only deeper into “blog-isolation”.  And so, to say that I was purely busy would only capture a glimpse of the whole picture which entails strokes of laziness, emotional instability, and overall uncertainty about these coming months and perhaps the fate of the rest of my life.

When I really think about it though, there shouldn’t be any reason for me to subject myself to such drama, and envisioning the day when I finish school alone suffices to make joy-wings flutter. The plan for the next two months includes enjoyment and relaxation of the last college courses ever, and spending more of the supposed quality time with friends near and far. Sounds kinda BS-sy, I know, but better to have some direction, than just being stuck in the turmoil that is my current life.

In two days, I embark on a 7-hour bus ride, crossing the continental divide line of North America, foraging against the direction of increase in temperature, to ironically a colder, snow-covered place – Quebec, Canada. I’m going with Alice and Catherine, but we don’t foresee french as being of any help, seeing that Quebecois sounds just like any other foreign language to me. The plan is to spend around 4 days in Montreal and then 2 days in Quebec City. I have no doubt that I will be freezing my bottom off there, and many have questioned my counter-intuitive decision to embark on the Northern hemisphere during a supposedly sunshine-filled Spring Break. Nevertheless, ever since coming back from the Euro-intensive-travel phase, the idea of going somewhere new became one of more noticeable priorities on my agenda for life (dramatic, yes I know) and yet with meager resources, Montreal seemed like the next best viable option. The fact of the matter is also, no matter where I do end up going, it would have been far far away from this valley, and that alone is enough as something to look forward to. No animosity towards the school whatsoever, yet lack of a real cosmopolitan vibe can only last so long.

As a preparation, I’ve been watching some Quebecois videos on YouTube, and have been finding myself stupefied by the incomprehensibility of everything. I can barely pick up a word out of every 5, Catherine told me that it wasn’t just me though, and even French natives have trouble making out what is also supposedly french. Perhaps, they also speak faster in those videos? and so I try to encourage myself, reasoning for the fact that hopefully, this trip will make everything all the better.

Will update on the trip as soon as I get back, no more of being cyberspaced out, I promise. Have a great Spring Break! I miss youZz, yous and YOU. Love!

Photo disclaimer: It has nothing to do with what I’m writing about, we are going to stay near Gay Village in Montreal, though. Oh for the love of randomness!

Jan 20 2009

Can’t be sure of Change

Then again, it never hurts to hold onto Hope

Music and no Lyrics

….But the coffee’s gone bitter

your guitar’s gone out of tune

heart’s pulsing off-beat

to rhythms of dreams lost too soon….

Can’t really seem to put together proper poetry lately, the words come out in verse at a time, but never verses which relate. I’ve decided words at this time are just redundant…just as lyrics can sometimes be to music…. Have a sudden urge to hear acoustic strings strumming in a room spacious and calm enough for the sound waves to carry themselves to the edges of the room, to move through the curves and silhouettes of flowery drapes, to tingle the sparkle on crystal clear glass, to come back to me and make my little heart flutter as before and always.

Enough talk.

And then…

Hey love

I am a constant satellite of your blazing zun

my love

I obey your law of gravity

this is the fate you’ve carved on me

your law of gravity

this is the fate you’ve carved on me

on me… (V.T)

 

Happy 21, babe!